If you’ve seen the Mattel’s new quest to make a new type of nerf gun doing the rounds online, you would probably agree that creating a kid’s toy would be best job in the world. You get to play, research kids toys and create something that kids will adore: plush toys, dolls, play guns, action figures…. Easy, right?
Wrong. It seems that, sometimes, ideas of cultural sensitivity, age appropriateness and everyday sensibilities go right out the window. Toys can be very, very wrong. Hilariously wrong.
Check out these golden toy failures that I will be keeping far, far away from my kids.
Here are some of the Worst Toys….Ever.
Butterface Barbie by Mattel
A cost-effective response to criticism for an unrealistic body image
In response to criticism in the media for propagating an unattainable image stereotypes for young girls, Mattel conceived this gem. While plus-size” and “short” variants were also born, simply slapping a “normal” head on Barbie’s signature bod was the cheapest option, thus Butterface was born. The office joke was that she would be given some unique accessories, like a ‘tramp stamp’ tattoo and a brown paper bag that could be placed on her head. This was not a popular concept with the women at Mattel.
Some prototypes of Butterface exist, though eventually the entire concept was scrapped.
Super AIDS by Mattel
Wrong place, wrong time for Positive Peter.
Talk about wrong place wrong time. This clean-cut, attractive young guy was aimed at hooking a new generation of young Republicans. The gimmick was that White House presidential aids were accidentally exposed to a chemical that gave them super powers. They’d help President Reagan fight injustice around the world.
Shortly after these dolls hit the shelves, the terrible and mysterious affliction sweeping the homosexual community was unfortunately named: AIDS. Mattel decided to recall the entire line and to cancel the animated television program scheduled to air in November.
Musical Jolly Chimp – Daishin C.K. (Japan)
I’m sure this guy featured in my nightmares.
The Musical Jolly Chimp. Seriously? this guy looks anything but Jolly. It screeches, clangs and shows its teeth when you touch it. Their bulging, unblinking eyes are are often painted with red rings, creating an appearance that everyone finds disturbing. These creepers are supposed to symbolize emptiness and stupidity, but when when your kids’ toy turns up in horror, sci-fi you know you’re doing it wrong.
H-Bouya! Erotic Boy Cube (Japan)
Again with the creepiness, Japan!? Here’s the H-Bouya! The ‘H’ used in the name may also mean ‘erotic’ in Japanese (‘H’ is pronounced “eechi” = erotic). So you can say this is the Erotic Boy! H-bouya is plugged into a USB port, and each time the keyboard’s ‘H’ key is hit, it turns red and its eyes blink! Why?
‘Shave the Baby’ Zbigniew Libera
If that’s not enough, the poor thing was born with a mullet too.
OK, this one definitely tops the list for the most disturbing toy of all times! The super hairy ‘Shave the Baby’ doll was created with added bushy tufts of bright orange hair protruding from her ankles, armpits, and most disturbingly, her pubic region, and was designed with the intention of giving the owner of the doll the pleasure of shaving it off. Apparently this is not really a toy, but an art object created in 1995 by Zbigniew Libera…we still thought it belonged in this freaky collection!
Forgive us our trespassers!
From the Jesus Christ superstore comes the “God Almighty Action Figure”, complete with AK-47 to help kids reign down the almighty’s wrath. Why the hell does god need a gun?
My First Hitler…?
Nein. 100% Wrong.
I wonder who would ever give a little girl a doll of a deceased anti-Semitic genocidal maniac.
Fuggler McGettrick’s Fugglers
You know what would make my soft cuddly toy more appealing? Teeth.
Each one of Mrs McGettrick’s Fugglers is unique. She hand makes them herself using fake dentures. Rumours suggesting this Fuggler maker uses any other kind of teeth have been aggressively denied: Shame on you! This is a TERRIBLE LIE put out by my ENEMIES in the cut throat PLUSH COMMUNITY…. Now, the real question is which would be worse to be locked in a room with, Mrs McGettrick or the Fuggler!?
MISC “Wildly Inappropriate toys for exceedingly Obvious Reasons”
We also found these….they really need no explaining.